My Inner Barbie

I'm about to give you glimpse into my inner dialect I have almost daily. First, let me say that I don't feel everyone must feel the same way that I do...I am simply sharing MY struggles.

Inner Barbie: "I should color my hair. Look at all these grays. I really want to look like so and so. I'm so fat. How did I let myself get this way? If I color my hair maybe that will help me feel better…."

Me: "Seriously? There are children in this world starving, your husband is on the verge of possibly losing his job, and you want to spend money on hair color? There's upkeep to it, and we are just getting a handle on our finances. Do you really feel this is the best use of your money?"

This is the battle I'm in right now. You probably think it's silly, but to me it's not. See, the battle really isn't about hair color. It's about learning to love myself. I've been self-hatred for years because of my looks. I'm just not quite good enough, I'm too fat, I'm too short, and my natural hair color is ugly. Why can't I look like so and so? Is my husband disappointed in me? Does he even find me attractive anymore? My inner Barbie says, “Color your hair, starve yourself, and buy things you can’t afford because it will make you feel better..... for a minute anyway. Of course you need a lot of makeup..... your natural face it not that pretty, plus you're really starting to show signs of your age.” Am I the only one out there that feels this way?

I was journaling the other day about this, and as I was writing and talking to God, I remembered Psalm 139. It says I was knit together in my mother's womb. God made me! I am a creation of His. I am an artwork. I have the hair color I have because that's what God thought was best. My eyes are green because that's what color He made them. My hair is also pretty naturally wavy.... and I can't stand it.

My personality….? Well, that's a hard one to swallow too. I speak before I think. I interrupt people because I have things I need to say and I can't wait until they are finished talking to say it. I have a wicked sense of humor and sarcasm is my gift. I have always wished I could be quiet, reserved, and proper.

As I was thinking of all this, I thought of all the rest of His creation. I thought of the mountains, the stars, and the ocean. They are so beautiful! His creation is so beautiful! I am His creation I must be beautiful?? That's so hard to say because the world tells me different. The world tells me I'm not thin enough, I'm not a good mom, and I'm not an attractive enough wife. I need to look like Barbie or my husband will leave me for a younger woman. I'm going to be 37 soon and growing old in a society where youthfulness is an obsession is darn hard.

So, this is journey for me. I am frustrated with myself. I struggle with follow through on things. I struggle with trying to love myself. I feel like if I can learn to love myself and see myself the way God sees me than losing weight and taking care of me will come naturally. You don't treat someone you love badly, so why treat myself this way?

I'm trying to not compare myself to others. I'm trying to find my niche in life. What is God's plan for me? How can I reach people? I am a stay at home, homeschooling mama that doesn't get out much. I really want to reach out to people to share my struggles with them and to maybe, just maybe, help someone out there to know that God loves them, wavy hair and all. 




  1. This is a common struggle with all of us -- me included! Why did I let myself get so fat? Why don't I style and color my hair - it will make me look younger -- but it's too much trouble! I've been thinking of having the next Mom's night out at my house and just sharing with the Mom's the trials and tribulations I have been through and how God has directed me. I'm 70 years young and have learned so very much. Titus 2:4,5. Our pastor in Texas encouraged this exchange. What do you think?
    We can learn from each other.

  2. I think that's a fantastic idea Georgia. I would love to listen to what you have to say to us moms!

  3. Hi Jenn. I published a comment before but don't see it. Here goes try #2.

    I think you are a beautiful and amazing woman. So many talents, such love for your Lord, your family, your friends. In times of questioning our worth, it's so hard to see what others see in ourselves. You are unique and wonderful yet not perfect in your own eyes. Life is a journey that beats us up and embraces us all at the same time. Be a kind traveler - love Jenn like we love Jenn!

    Psalms 139:14, "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."